The Inside Out...(insecurities)

I know who I am.

I'm scared of being someone I'm not.

I can't really talk to anyone here about my problems or feelings because I'm scared it will all come back around and bite me in the ass.

Honestly I'm tired. Kind of annoyed. Happy. Insecure. Scared.

I don't want to fail anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel like I'm going to over think something and go crazy.

I feel like there's so many issues I have I don't know what to do.

I need glasses but I can't ask my mom for money because she's paying my school bill which is going to come out to be $560 and some change. I don't want to have to go to my grandma. That would suck because she is 1. in cambodia right now. 2. She's gonna get on me about school and want to know everything I'm doing. That can't happen because I don't want to tell her anything. I live a completely different lifestyle. I like living on my own.

I'm scared I'm not going to be able to support me and lily. I don't have anything. Not a job. Not even under the table. Barely any luck. I got an interview last week. I don't think they're going to call me back even though I'd really like it if they did. Or at least shoot me an E-mail.

Problem, I can't open my E-mail. It fucking sucks. I want to check if I got any emails from any other companies I applied to. Plus I have to E-mail Kevin about the club thing.

2. Another thing I'm scared of that I don't want to let bother me. I still have a fear that Evan is going to take Lily away from me. It's stupid cause I feel like she's all I have. I'm scared that I'm gonna leave and then come back and she's gonna be on his dick or kissing his face. Or they'll develop feelings for each other or some shit. Then she'll see how much better he is and leave me. Plus, he's the only one who can make her smile no matter what time it is. They're best friends and what not, but I feel like because he's been away for so long that they'll be silly and there'll be sexual tension and they'll have sex and I'll walk in and be hurt. I feel like that about every guy she's with or any guy. Why do I have such huge trust issues. Why can't I just figure this shit out. I think this roots back to the whole Jimi thing. When she was with me and never came back. she ended up fucking Mikey. Or maybe it's because I feel like I'm not good enough for her or something. I feel like I'm just gonna end up turning into all the things I hate because of how much of an asshole I am.

Then there's the kittens. I feel like I'm an abusive person. I don't want to end up that way. I hate abusive parents. I don't want them to have to walk around me like I'm going to throw them against the wall or something. But I have been really rough with them. Especially Oliver. He escaped from the room the other day and I almost had his head. I started shaking him and I grabbed him by the neck. I choked him. I relized what i was doing and it freaked me out. When did I become that person? I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never was rough like that as a kid. In recent years I feel like the violent part of me has been coming out more than usual. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. I mean, through my life I've been dealing with passive agressiveness. I get violent sometimes. I get fits of rage. Then I can't take it anymore and it's always the same. When I realise what I've done I can't take it. But then again thats what i get for bottling everything up inside. Everything I'm writing here is coming from deep within. I'm not going to hide anything. I'm going to tell you everything.

It's like since I can't really say things My head or my through start to get this wierd feeling. Like hot. Like something's caught there and the energy is trapped. I know it sounds weird but it's the truth. That's really what I've been feeling for days. I can't stand it.

Something I just realized. None of these things are big problems. They're all smaller ones that just pile up on me. And they stack and stack and stack and stack until they fall and I break. Cause there's no more room for anything else.

Honestly. Another problem. I wanted to change my outlook on life. I wanted to change my habbits. So I cut my hair. I wanted a physical change that people would see. Something that says the old me is gone and I'm ready to start fresh. I feel like I'm still falling into the same routine. I'm not quite sure why I am but I feel like I started to change and then things just fell in so suddenly. Like I've become quite lazy. I don't want to be that way. For example I had a project to do for my avid class. I didn't turn it in the day it was do because i didn't feel like doing it. For that reason I'm scared of what my final grade is going to be. I'm scared of failng and disappointing myself and everyone in my life. I'm scared cause I didn't study for the test either. I can't take anymore classes than I need to. It just can't work that way. I don't want to owe the school any more money.

I hate me because I'm lazy. I hate me because I go back on everything I say. I hate me because I'm not completely honest about my feelings. I hate me because I want to get better at being the person I want to be.

I want to be emotionally strong and intuitive like a woman, in the mean time have qualities like a guy. I want to be assertive, and strong and logical. I want to silly and stupid and random. I don't want to cry so easily. I want to relate emotionally to a woman but have that same instict that men have. They're confident and strong and don't let anything get to them. I want thick skin. I constantly tell myself to do all these things. This is part of the person I want to be. This is who I strive to be. I want to attain my goal of perfection. Is it wrong that I'm like that. I've been thinking like that for awhile.

I don't want to need anyone's help to do anything. I don't want to have to rely on a man for anything I wanted to be treated equal. In my whole entire life I've been striving to be like that. I remember when my dad told me I couldn't pee standing up. I was only like 7 at the time. I tried and I tried and I tried. I peed standing up. I remember them walking into the bathroom when I did so. I remember he laughed and I was so frustrated. Is it wrong? I've always wanted to feel like that. I'm completely female. I want to be respected like males respect each other. I don't want to be seen for sex. I don't want to be just a body. That's a thought I've always been trying to achieve. That's why I don't dress like a girl. I don't ever want to. I don't want to be a sex object. I don't want people to see me as a fake person. I hate when people say that about me. It's really irritating.

Fitting in is a problem I've had since I was a kid. I felt like I never really belonged anywhere. Not anywhere at all. When I went to public school the majority of kids were black. I didn't fit in with the boys. I never really fit in with the girls. I was also the principals granddaughter.That never really made things any easier. When I went to catholic school after I was transferred everyone used to make fun of me. I was always quiet and didn't really know what to say because I felt isolated from everyone. They used to pick on me all the time. Everyone was into boys. I liked boys. I found myself staring at peoples boobs and I felt confused. I would look down at my own and then look at other peoples. It sucked. Then a week later after i relised I was doing this some girl in my class called me gay. I was offended cause I thought it was a bad word. I thought sex was a bad word. I hated the word sex for a long time.

I remember when I was younger my best friend was a guy. We were tighter than ever and used to hang out all the time. We used to play at each other's houses. We went to seperate schools. Then something happened. I went with him and his sister(who i felt wierd around and now I know because i had a crush on her) and his friend. We all were hanging out one day we were playing with his dog. He rolled over and I was looking at him. They made fun of me because they said I was staring at his dick. They kept on teasing me and teasing me about it until I just walked home.

I'm really stupid.

I feel better after writing.

I'm scared to let anyone see this.

I'm thinking about letting lily read this.

I know for a fact I'm a Trans person.

I'm passive-agressive.

I have trust issues with men.

I know that I have to change my ways as student, a person, a girlfriend, and a friend.

Figuring it out is the next step.

This is thereputic.

I think I'm gonna keep doing this.